I could barely make out your face, the room was dark.
Your finger’s on my mouth
Shhh
Your hands gripped tight in the arch of my back,
Pulling me in.
My face is close to yours now, I can smell the liquor on your breath.
This is why we can’t hang out
It’s been a long time since I’ve seen the creases of your cheeks rise up as you smile, or seen the oceanic movements of your hands as you speak.
The feeling of our skin together, on that small bed that wasn’t even yours.
The passing streetlights, too afraid to hold my hand.
What would everyone say?
Peanut butter on bread
Hidden kisses in the stairwell
I found comfort in the secrecy, the scratch of your beard on my chin
I was never meant to last.
The smell of smoke surrounds us as you take the cigarette from your mouth and exhale.
There is something so pleasant about the cloudy room, and my skin pressed against yours.
You look at me with a distant look, your eyes no longer filled with love as they used to. I kiss you, unwilling to believe how disconnected we’ve become.
The sun is about to rise. With my back to yours , it takes all of me to keep the tears in.
I grab the bottle of Skyy vodka and take a swig. My head pounds from the night before. I need this.
I try to get up, but you grab my naked body with desire. Lust, not love has brought us together again. The passion is gone now, no longer is there a sense of making love, just rough, forsaken sex.
When I walk out the door, I couldn’t help but know this would be the last time.
So here I am again,
looking back on things I can’t quite remember.
The memories are blurred, but I try hard to remember the details.
It’s not as nice in the memories as it was in the present.
Maybe I’m filling in gaps with things I don’t enjoy to make it less wanted.
I’m tired of thinking of all the things that could have been.
I pretend I’m content with loneliness.
It’s all so exhausting.
I was 10.
He peddled up the hill quickly, looking back ever so often to check on his younger sister.
They were racing.
Up and down the private way for hours. Up and down. Up and down.
He swerved out into the street too far. The car was going too fast.
Everything went black.
All I could see were pieces of a shattered bike and a parked car.
“I don’t want Daniel to die”
I screamed repeatedly as I ran down the street
Tears in my eyes.
” I don’t want to Daniel to die”
I don’t remember much of anything else.
I find myself pulling this memory out too often.
He’s fine, I’m fine.
But why can’t I remember seeing anything.
It’s all a blur.
It feels like a blinked right before it happened.
I guess I’m just afraid one day it will come rushing back to me
& I won’t be able to handle it.
string by string you pull at me,
tug so hard until i fall right back into those arms that won’t catch me.
I’ve spent so many times, bruised and cold on the ground.
Waiting for you to pick me up.
It seems I have this unrealistic image of the person i think you are
I know the truth about you, but my heart will never believe it.
I’m going to keep expecting you to be the person you once were.
but every time you tug, I fall.
and every time i’m hurt, you’ve disappeared again.
This is 
